Bean, bean, the musical fruit

Why do beans make people produce music involuntarily? If you know about lactose intolerance, you probably already have the answer—it's all about not having the enzyme to digest some doohickeys. In this case, it's the lack of of a-D-galactopyranosidase, which breaks down oligosaccharides (specifically, raffinose, stachyose, and verbascose). And just as "lactose" is a fancypants term for milk sugar, "oligasaccharide" is just a fancypants term for bean carbs.

Carbs that our body cannot digest go to the colon, where they are gnawed on by bacteria whose byproducts are gases that turn our bodies into walking wind instruments of death. Hydrogen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and—in some unfortunate individuals—methane, together produce the sound effects.

Anyway, you can easily shush the music by taking the missing enzyme in the form of Beano. To minimize other types of music produced by bacterial fermentation, change what you eat and see what happens. It's a fun science project, but not for your second-hand subjects and innocent passersby, I have to say.

Take two intestinal worms and call me in the morning

What do you do when your bacon-wrapped cookie falls to the ground? Why, pick it up and eat it, of course! If the floor is dirty, even better! Bonus germs!

An increasing number of studies are supporting the hygiene hypothesis, which proposes that early exposure to cooties encourages the development of a well-tuned immune system.

The hypothesis is commonly cited as a possible explanation for the rise of autoimmune diseases, such as allergies and asthma, in developed nations. Supposedly, a squeaky clean environment results in a bored immune system that starts tasering harmless things, like pollen, some food items, or in some cases, the very body it's supposed to protect.

Harmless bacteria and happy-go-lucky viruses are all good for the development of the immune system, but the "It" girl of hygiene hypothesis is turning out to be—get your cameras ready!—the intestinal worm. Most worms are harmless in healthy people, because human beings have adapted to their presence. 

Some worms seem to be good at preventing some bowel diseases (such as ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease). A few showed promising potential to even reverse autoimmune diseases! In one study, subjects stricken with multiple sclerosis who were subsequently infected with human whipworm (in the course of life, not by the researchers) had mellower versions of their disease. (The University of Wisconsin Madison is conducting a similar study. Imagine the recruitment poster for that study!) 

Everyone wants to hear about intestinal worms during dinner parties, so load up on materials by doing a Google search. For a great overview on the studies, check out the Evolution and Medicine Review and the New York Times (registration required).

Opinion: Enough with the czar fetish already

Not quite a factoid, but it made us laugh. It deserves to clutter your brains, too.

Read the open letter to President Obama from Wilhelm II, German kaiser and king of Prussia.

DOORN, THE NETHERLANDS

Gott im Himmel! Enough with the czars!

You've named 18 so far, according to something I read in Foreign Policy. That includes a border czar, a climate czar, an information technology czar and — I don't think Thomas Jefferson grew enough hemp in his lifetime to dream up this one — the "faith-based czar." Your car czar, Steve Rattner, was in the news last week, trying to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy.

It took Russia 281 years to accumulate that many czars. Even with hemophilia, repeated assassinations and a level of inbreeding that would gag a Dalmatian breeder. You did it in less than 100 days.

And every one of them hurts. I think I speak for all passed-over Victorian despots when I say that. Somehow, that fancy pants with the jeweled-egg fetish got to be a synonym for innovative, efficient leadership. At minimum — at minimum — I thought my legacy would be the continued popularity of pomaded mustaches and shiny, spike-topped helmets. But it's just the bikers now. And I think they mean it ironically.

I promised myself that I wouldn't say anything about this: I've been out of public life for years and actually dead since 1941. But genug is genug. Americans have been calling powerful Washington figures "czars" since the early 1830s. What do you see in the Romanovs that makes them such models of good government? Ivan the Terrible, the first czar, had his enemies dropped alive through the ice on frozen rivers. Or maybe you're thinking of Nicholas II, the last czar. He was deposed and executed by a guy who looked like a used bookstore clerk. Or Ivan VI, who was locked in a fortress for two decades and then murdered? I'm searching for the lessons any of these might offer for managing your southwestern border.

Most detestable of all, your "czars" don't even possess the one real benefit of czardom: absolute power. Rattner showed that last week, when he failed to stop the bankruptcy. Many of your "czars" don't even have their own departments: Their job is to "coordinate policy." And I'm told that most of them have no control whatsoever over Cossack partisans. I think Nicholas II would have dropped a Fabergé egg himself if he'd heard something like that called a "czar." I nearly swallowed a monocle.

So maybe it's time for a new autocrat to get some air time. Time for something that will stand out even in a White House with a czar in every cubicle. President Obama's archduke of information technology announced today ... Pricks up the ears, doesn't it? In Detroit, the president's car sultan ... Instant respect. Mainly because those who defy the car sultan might be killed by eunuch assassins. Or might I humbly suggest the title of an enlightened ruler who — unlike the czars — actually worked well with parliament and the nobility (in your terms, that would be "Congress" and "Oprah''). Somebody whose record is nearly unblemished, except for one invasion of Belgium that everybody's totally over now.

Today, President Obama congratulated his new climate kaiser ... Goose bumps.

Yours in friendship,

Wilhelm II

David A. Fahrenthold is a Metro reporter for The Washington Post.